Valentine's Day will soon have come and gone -- and that can mean date anxiety for singles. Before, during and after the holiday.
Will I have a date? How will I find a date? Will it work out? Will my relatives ever stop asking when I'm going to get married?
All common romantic fears -- but for Catholics, there's an extra layer of angst: Will I find someone who's both a good match and a faithful Catholic?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2023, 46.4% of American adults -- 117.6 million -- were single. That figure included those who were divorced, widowed or never married.
Among Catholics, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops found in 2014 that 27.7% of Catholics have never married. Numbers are unlikely to have improved since. Between 1969 and 2019, Catholic marriages declined 69% -- even as the Catholic population increased by nearly 20 million -- according to Georgetown University's Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate.
If all that sounds discouraging, well Sara Perla, communications manager for The Catholic Project at The Catholic University of America in Washington, wishes she had some good news for you.
"I was talking to a friend and she said, 'I think she's gonna want you to have something hopeful to say,'" referring to OSV News' interview request concerning the state of Catholic dating.
"And I was like, 'I don't have anything.' I really tried to think about it," admitted Perla. "But I'm not seeing a lot of effort so far in addressing this issue ... and I don't know if there's a will to do that -- but I hope so."
The Catholic Project made its own attempt, hosting a panel exploring Catholic dating at the National Eucharistic Congress in July 2024.
Religion News Service reported, "The attendees in Indianapolis had logged their responses via a QR code on their phone to the question, 'What adjective would you use to describe how you feel about dating as a Catholic today?' 'Hopeless,' loomed large in the resulting word cloud."
An after-event poll indicated a yearning for more discussion.
"The overwhelming response was that they really wished that there was more of this kind of thing, and they wished it was longer," Perla said. "They just want chances where they can meet people."
Diocesan young adult groups are great, Perla added, but people age out of them -- sometimes still single.
And while participants complain the atmosphere isn't always holy enough at Catholic dating events, Perla has also seen some awkward attempts to wed matchmaking and theology.
"I saw an ad somewhere -- it was theology of the body swing dance classes. And you're like, 'No, no, no.' You don't need to be weird about this," she advised. "If you're going to throw a speed dating event, for example -- which I think is a great idea -- don't give, 'Oh, who's your favorite saint?' (as an opening question). That's a fine thing to talk about," confirmed Perla. "But it doesn't have to be the first thing."
Campus ministries and Catholic colleges, Perla feels, should also be actively helping their students.
"In terms of compatibility in the intellectual life and spiritual life," she observed, "you're never going to be in a place like college again."
Molly Sheahan, associate director for Healthy Families at the California Catholic Conference, agrees with Perla that the Catholic dating landscape is rugged.
"I think it's challenging," Sheahan told OSV News. "Ask anyone in the dating pool and they'll tell you it's challenging. Ask anyone who's married and they'll say, 'Oh, thank goodness I'm married,'" Sheahan said, admitting she has not been immune to date disaster.
Last year, the bishops of California launched the "Radiate Love" initiative to celebrate marriage and family, and provide resources such as monthly reflections, prayers, videos, and other materials.
Sheahan has noted a resurgence of speed dating events, agreeing with Perla that they're "a great way to meet someone and have a connection, in person." She's also seen more dances and young adult events, as well as question and answer panel discussions with married couples.
While a marriage catechumenate now exists, there isn't yet a dating catechumenate.
"Discerning marriage doesn't start when you get engaged," Sheahan noted. "It doesn't even start when you start dating. It starts before then, to have the concept of what marriage is -- why it's a gift from God."
For those hoping for marriage but uncomfortable with dating apps -- perhaps even Catholic ones, such as CatholicMatch, and Ave Maria Singles -- Darenys Radich and Maria Creitz launched the Little Dates Club in April 2024.
As suburban Washington moms with children -- Radich has six, Creitz has seven -- they both have a vested interest in healthy dating for their kids. Neither, however, was fully aware of how problematic the dating scene can be. That reality literally hit home when Radich's fourth son -- who had discerned out of seminary and was just about to graduate college -- hoped to find a girlfriend.
"We thought, 'Oh, this is going to be so easy. He'll get out of seminary. He's well formed; great Catholic guy; super fun; smart -- you know, what could go wrong?" Radich told OSV News. "I'm sure he'll get snatched right up. He'll just ask a few girls out and get to know them, and the rest is history."
But that's not what happened.
"This has been very, very, very difficult," reported Radich. "And because of that, I started talking to my friend, Maria. I'm like, 'What is going on in the dating world? People just aren't going on dates anymore.'"
Creitz had tales from her daughter's college of Catholic girls -- "wonderful girls, smart, pretty, very Catholic" -- who had never been asked out on a date.
"Then we came up with this club," Radich shared, "and we were thinking, 'Well, this is at least going to get people in front of each other, and give them a real chance to meet and find out what's special about the other person, and make a connection.'"
It's a curated approach, requiring an in-person orientation meeting with Radich and Creitz. Initial contacts were made through young adult groups in the Washington metro area. So far, there is one engagement and a planned proposal.
Little Dates Club is perhaps the "anti-app" -- small, personal, organic. "I think in general, people do not enjoy using the apps," suggested Radich.
According to the Pew Research Center, in 2023, three in 10 U.S. adults say they have used a secular dating app. Of married or otherwise partnered couples, one in 10 met their current significant other through a dating site or app. Of those surveyed, 53% found the experience somewhat positive, while 46% found it negative.
Chris O'Neill, director of the Office of Marriage and Family Life in the Archdiocese of New Orleans, told OSV News the archdiocese "wanted to try to understand what was happening in the culture more generally."
"It became increasingly clear," he said, "through conversations, listening to young adults, and a lot of reading, that the crisis wasn't simply that people weren't choosing marriage, but weren't dating, or even forming genuine 'face to face' friendships."
With a grant, the archdiocese began the NOLACatholic Healthy Dating initiative.
"Right now, we are just experimenting and learning as much as we can," said O'Neill. "So far we've hosted a 'Theology on Tap' series focused on dating. We didn't just want to talk about it, but provide an opportunity for ourselves to get closer to those who are facing the crisis, and to try to understand from their perspective what they are going through."
Future efforts are also being planned, said O'Neill.
"We want to continue to experiment with speed dating events, a retreat for young people, social media/podcast efforts, and the like," he added. "But it's very different from what we've done in the past, so we're on a learning curve."
And the ultimate aim, apart from more marriages?
"I think the most important thing we can hope to achieve," O'Neill reflected, "is encouraging a change in ministry culture, that becomes more attentive to these issues."
In the end, said O'Neill, it's all about relationships: person-to-person, one-to-one.
"Your ability to make friends with people will help you know how to build a good relationship with whomever 'the one' will be. The situation is difficult for sure," he admitted, "but our human nature hasn't changed, and there is a path where all of this works. You don't have to 'game' the system with some technique or method. Lean on the human dimension -- and just start to build real friendships."
